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There are those who grow up feeling that they are not as good at anything as they should be. The reasons for having such low self-esteem are familiar to everyone. They add up to having had the experience, repeatedly, of being told one way or another by important people, parents especially, that they were in fact no good, not as smart as their older brother, or not as attractive as their cousins. “You better develop better table manners because no one is going to want to marry you on the basis of your looks alone,” one middle-aged woman remembered her father telling her. That feeling of inadequacy is likely to pop up anywhere, in relationships with others, or at work, or within the family. A man may feel a little stupid or not as well-educated as someone else. The same person is likely to think he is too fat or too short, or as someone put it to me recently, “not well-endowed." A woman may feel unattractive, even ugly. People get down on themselves for being poor students, poor friends, poor conversationalists, and so on. Among these fears, especially among men, is the fear of being “not good in bed.”

Given the fact that every human endeavor can be said to be performed to some extent either better or worse by different people, it is not unreasonable to think that some are “good in bed,” that is, sexually adroit, and others are not. Still, because sexual behavior is more or less “natural,” being skillful is not as difficult as, let’s say, learning to play the piano. Becoming a good pianist requires study and practice.  Few people play the piano really well; and most people cannot play the piano at all. On the other hand, most people have sex, although the time spent actually engaged in sex is a tiny fraction of the time spent thinking about it.

Differences in sexual performance from one man or woman to the next are not so great they would be noticeable to a casual observer. In considering other animals, we judge their sexual behavior as simply successful (ie. leading to procreation,) or unsuccessful. Other subtleties are lost. Someone from Mars taking note of the human species might take a similar point of view about us.

Most higher animals have sex. Otherwise, their species would die out. Even plants have sex, although  more in a hit and miss manner, sometimes at a distance of a few miles and only when aided by a third party, such as a bee or some other flying insect. We may presume that all these living creatures find sex enjoyable. Otherwise, they would not do it. But an expert studying such sexual behavior would not notice whether it is more enjoyable for some individuals than for others.  

Judging one’s own sexual performance.

Asking a friend if the talk you just gave was interesting, or asking that friend if your new outfit looks good, or asking flat out if you are likable, is not likely to elicit an honest response. No friend is going to want to hurt your feelings. Similarly, if you ask a sexual partner after sexual congress if he/she found the experience really enjoyable, you cannot rely on that response. In fact, judging how good you are sexually solely by your partner’s response (which is, after all, what being good in bed means) can be misleading.

There are both men and women who are consistently impeded, psychologically, or for some other reason, from fully enjoying sex. Some men, for example, cannot reach a climax, others cannot get or maintain an erection and others are simply not interested in sex in the first place.  The ultimate being bad in bed is not getting into bed at all. A not insignificant minority of women cannot reach a sexual climax ever, and most of the others cannot invariably climax. There are other sexual impairments, too familiar to describe here. Some of these imperfections are so common, they could reasonably be considered variations of normal.

 These sexual difficulties cannot be overcome by a sexual partner, no matter how sophisticated,  no matter how well that partner performs. A sexual partner can behave perfectly, exactly, ideally well in a sexual context (assuming such an impossibility is possible) and still not render someone who is limited sexually able to enjoy sex fully. Because of these ambiguities, it is easy for that partner, who may already be inclined to feel inadequate in general, to conclude that he, or she, is “bad in bed.” In general,  men and women tend to expect too much from themselves. For example, some men are worried that they have premature ejaculation because  they imagine other men are capable of delaying orgasm much longer than, in fact, then can. The average time a man spends between penetration and ejaculation is about a minute—not a half-hour.

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Men who feel inadequate are likely to think their genitals are too small.  Women may think their genitals are “unattractive.” In fact, any physical differences from one person to another are not usually so extreme that they fall outside of a normal range. It is the conventional wisdom that physical differences do not matter to sexual performance. Except for extreme cases, this is true.

Putting all this to the side, what goes into being “good in bed?” The following is what I have learned  from my considerable second-hand experience. (These are the kinds of things psychotherapy patients talk about.)

 What does being “good in bed” come down too?

Enthusiasm
A desire to please his or her partner.

I could go on at  length giving examples of unhappy sexual encounters that grew out of ignoring these principles. But I won’t. These aspects of personality, and their importance, speak for themselves. I should say in passing, that having a lot of sexual experience, is often mentioned as key to being a good lover; it is not—except insofar as it leads one to understand that what works—what is pleasant and exciting to one individual—may very well be unpleasant to someone else. That is what experience teaches. In order to be sure of pleasing a particular sexual partner, it is necessary to be attuned to that person.

Enthusiasm occurs naturally to some people. Others have to make an effort. Also, the desire to please will vary, naturally, depending on the desirability of a particular partner. So, someone may be “good in bed” with one partner and not the next. What counts is how much effort someone is willing to exert. The same principles --enthusiasm and a desire to please another person--are fundamental to many different kinds of encounters. Such as: a first date, a job interview, sales, teaching, marriage in general.

Most people are not willing to put in the effort to be enthusiastic all the time. For example, most workers, even those desirous of making a good impression, will not be able to sustain a high level of enthusiasm year after year, even if they know that doing so would improve their chances of promotion. It is not natural  to be in a continual state of excitement. Most people who are married, for instance, no longer think of their spouse as being “good in bed.” With long familiarity, most couples are no longer aiming for “good in bed.”

 

For Husbands, Does More Housework Mean Less Sex?

If you're one of those husbands who thinks taking over some of your wife's household chores will translate into having sex more often, maybe you should think again.

A new study suggests the opposite may be true.

Married men who spend more time doing what many consider traditionally feminine household tasks -- such as grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking -- reported having less frequent sex than do husbands who stick to more traditionally masculine jobs, like gardening or home repair.

When it comes to chores, equality between the sexes doesn't necessarily turn on either the man or the woman, said study author Julie Brines, an associate professor in the department of sociology at the University of Washington, in Seattle.

So it's not sexy to watch your husband folding socks or unpacking the groceries? "While wives tend to be more satisfied with the marriage [when there aren't issues about housework], it doesn't translate to sex if the men help," Brines said. "For women in traditional arrangements, the wives' sexual satisfaction is greater. The wives are benefitting too."

In other words, even though women may say they like having their husband help around the house, his well-intentioned efforts may end up turning him into a helpmate rather than an object of desire.

The researchers' interest in the topic was sparked by media coverage of a report from the Council on Contemporary Families in 2008, Brines explained. "The headline was that men who did more housework got more sex," she said. "My colleagues and I saw that and didn't see the evidence."

But Brines admitted that such thinking is understandable. "From Grecian times, the women who were unhappy with their men decided to withhold sex," she said, referring to the Greek play Lysistrata. She said it would make perfect sense if there was a sort of exchange of favors in marriage, and that if wives were happier, sex lives would benefit.

"Our research is counterintuitive," Brines said.

The study, published in the February issue of the journal American Sociological Review, tapped information on roughly 4,500 married U.S. couples who participated in the National Survey of Families and Households.

The nationally representative data, collected between 1992 and 1994, is considered the most recent large-scale information measuring sexual frequency in married couples. The average age of survey participants was 46 for the husbands and 44 for the wives, and the marriages were all heterosexual.

Together, the couples spent about 34 hours a week on traditionally female chores, plus an additional 17 hours a week on tasks typically considered men's work. Husbands did about one-fifth of so-called traditional female chores and a little more than half of the male tasks, suggesting that wives helped out with the men's chores more often than husbands took on the wives'.

The researchers accounted for differences in self-reported happiness in the marriage, how recently the couples were married, family structure, each spouse's time spent in paid work, the wife's share of income, education and self-rated health, among other factors.

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Men and women reported having sex an average of about five times a month. For those couples in which the wife does all the traditionally female housework, husbands and wives reported having sex 1.6 times more a month than those where the husband does a larger share of those chores.

Does the data still apply now, 20 years after the survey was done? Brines said that although a lot has changed in marriage since the 1960s -- especially with women increasingly taking on jobs outside the home and men having a greater role in child rearing -- research shows relatively little change in household assignment of tasks since the 1990s.

"I'm skeptical that the relationship between housework and sex changed a lot because housework responsibilities haven't changed much," she said.

For her part, Markie Blumer, an assistant professor in the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, said the age of the data is a big weakness in the study. "The economic crash definitely changed a lot of the household dynamics," she said, adding that many of those who became unemployed were men who started doing most of the housework.

Lead study author Sabino Kornrich said it's possible that when both spouses work outside the home, sheer fatigue could reduce the frequency of sex.

"I suspect that in cases where people are too tired to do any chores, they just don't have sex," said Kornrich, a researcher at the Juan March Institute in Madrid, Spain. "Our research and earlier studies find that couples who do more housework overall have more sex, suggesting that those who have more energy to do housework also have more energy for sex."

Kornrich added that although same-sex couples were not the focus of this study, research suggests that the division of household labor among gay, lesbian and cohabitating couples is influenced by gender. "But differences remain in how these couples divide household labor compared to heterosexual couples, so we cannot say from our results," he noted.

Brines suggested married couples consider having direct conversations or negotiations about the division of household labor and about their sex lives. "Put it up for renegotiation at any time," she said. "If you want a different arrangement, talk about it rather than letting inertia take hold."