There are
those who grow up feeling that they are not as good at anything as they should
be. The reasons for having such low self-esteem are familiar to
everyone. They add up to having had the experience, repeatedly, of being told
one way or another by important people, parents
especially, that they were in fact no good, not as smart as their older
brother, or not as attractive as their cousins. “You better develop better
table manners because no one is going to want to marry you on the basis of your
looks alone,” one middle-aged woman remembered her father telling her. That
feeling of inadequacy is likely to pop up anywhere, in relationships with
others, or at work, or within the family. A man may feel a little stupid or not
as well-educated as someone else. The same person is likely to think he is too
fat or too short, or as someone put it to me recently, “not well-endowed."
A woman may feel unattractive, even ugly. People get down on themselves for
being poor students, poor friends, poor conversationalists, and so on. Among
these fears, especially among men, is the fear of being “not good in bed.”
Given the
fact that every human endeavor can be said to be performed to some extent
either better or worse by different people, it is not unreasonable to think
that some are “good in bed,” that is, sexually adroit, and others are not.
Still, because sexual behavior is more or less “natural,” being skillful is not
as difficult as, let’s say, learning to play the piano. Becoming a good pianist
requires study and practice. Few people play the piano really well; and
most people cannot play the piano at all. On the other hand, most people have sex, although the time spent actually engaged in
sex is a tiny fraction of the time spent thinking about it.
Differences
in sexual performance from one man or woman to the next are not so great they
would be noticeable to a casual observer. In considering other animals, we
judge their sexual behavior as simply successful (ie. leading to procreation,)
or unsuccessful. Other subtleties are lost. Someone from Mars taking note of
the human species might take a similar point of view about us.
Most
higher animals have sex. Otherwise, their species would die out. Even plants
have sex, although more in a hit and miss manner, sometimes at a distance
of a few miles and only when aided by a third party, such as a bee or some
other flying insect. We may presume that all these living creatures find sex
enjoyable. Otherwise, they would not do it. But an expert studying such sexual
behavior would not notice whether it is more enjoyable for some individuals
than for others.
Judging
one’s own sexual performance.
Asking a
friend if the talk you just gave was interesting, or asking that friend if your
new outfit looks good, or asking flat out if you are likable, is not likely to
elicit an honest response. No friend is going to want to hurt your feelings.
Similarly, if you ask a sexual partner after sexual congress if he/she found
the experience really enjoyable, you cannot rely on that response. In fact,
judging how good you are sexually solely by your partner’s response (which is,
after all, what being good in bed means) can be misleading.
There are
both men and women who are consistently impeded, psychologically, or for some
other reason, from fully enjoying sex. Some men, for example, cannot reach a
climax, others cannot get or maintain an erection and others are simply not
interested in sex in the first place. The ultimate being bad in bed is
not getting into bed at all. A not insignificant minority of women cannot reach
a sexual climax ever, and most of the others cannot invariably climax. There
are other sexual impairments, too familiar to describe here. Some of these
imperfections are so common, they could reasonably be considered variations of
normal.
These
sexual difficulties cannot be overcome by a sexual partner, no matter how
sophisticated, no matter how well that partner performs. A sexual partner
can behave perfectly, exactly, ideally well in a sexual context (assuming such
an impossibility is possible) and still not render someone who is limited
sexually able to enjoy sex fully. Because of these ambiguities, it is easy for
that partner, who may already be inclined to feel inadequate in general, to
conclude that he, or she, is “bad in bed.” In general, men and women tend
to expect too much from themselves. For example, some men are worried that they
have premature ejaculation because they imagine other men are capable of
delaying orgasm much longer than, in
fact, then can. The average time a man spends between penetration and
ejaculation is about a minute—not a half-hour.
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Men who
feel inadequate are likely to think their genitals are too small. Women
may think their genitals are “unattractive.” In fact, any physical differences
from one person to another are not usually so extreme that they fall outside of
a normal range. It is the conventional wisdom
that physical differences do not matter to sexual performance. Except for
extreme cases, this is true.
Putting
all this to the side, what goes into being “good in bed?” The following is what
I have learned from my considerable second-hand experience. (These are
the kinds of things psychotherapy
patients talk about.)
What
does being “good in bed” come down too?
Enthusiasm
A desire to please his or her partner.
I could
go on at length giving examples of unhappy sexual encounters that grew
out of ignoring these principles. But I won’t. These aspects of personality, and their
importance, speak for themselves. I should say in passing, that having a lot of
sexual experience, is often mentioned as key to being a good lover; it is
not—except insofar as it leads one to understand that what works—what is
pleasant and exciting to one individual—may very well be unpleasant to someone
else. That is what experience teaches. In order to be sure of pleasing a
particular sexual partner, it is necessary to be attuned to that person.
Enthusiasm
occurs naturally to some people. Others have to make an effort. Also, the
desire to please will vary, naturally, depending on the desirability of a
particular partner. So, someone may be “good in bed” with one partner and not
the next. What counts is how much effort someone is willing to exert. The same
principles --enthusiasm and a desire to please another person--are fundamental
to many different kinds of encounters. Such as: a first date, a job interview,
sales, teaching, marriage in general.
Most
people are not willing to put in the effort to be enthusiastic all the time.
For example, most workers, even those desirous of making a good impression,
will not be able to sustain a high level of enthusiasm year after year, even if
they know that doing so would improve their chances of promotion. It is not
natural to be in a continual state of excitement. Most people who are
married, for instance, no longer think of their spouse as being “good in bed.”
With long familiarity, most couples are no longer aiming for “good in bed.”
